How can a view of Christian parenting that looks primarily at long-term, strategic, Gospel-centered goals help us to raise up the next generation of faithful believers?

As a dad of four mostly-grown girls, and one who has served for well over a decade in both children and youth ministries, I’ve seen a lot. I’ve experienced a lot. I’ve made plenty of mistakes. I’ve maybe even learned from some of them. God has been so gracious to bring into our lives, at just the right time, both older couples and wonderful resources that have shaped our approach to parenting in so many helpful ways as our girls were growing up. It is my hope and prayer that this series, as it grows over the coming months and years as the Lord sees fit, will be a blessed, Gospel-rich resource that you can drop into the quiver of your own parenting journey, wherever you may be on that road.

State of the Union

A lot has changed since we were expecting our first daughter in 2003, yet some things remain the same.  I’m convinced the vast majority of parents still want to do a good job and raise good kids.  Christian parents, in particular, yearn for their children to become mature men and women of God. But while the desired destination is often known, albeit a bit hazy, it seems that the actual route from infant to faithful Christian adult is seldom given much consideration.  Take for example, the fruits of the Spirit found in Galatians 5.  I think every Christian parent wants their children to grow up to be marked by these traits, but have you stopped to consider what practical steps can be taken at one, at six, at thirteen, etc. to help equip your children with a toolkit of knowledge and habits that will serve them well in this pursuit?  

When we were young parents, we were bombarded by advice from every corner – our own parents, our church family, friends, and secondarily from the culture around us. It would have been easier if all of the advice had been the same, but it wasn’t. Before we could even begin to parent, we had the daunting task of attempting to discern what God-honoring parenting even looked like.  But if our own experience was like drinking from a firehose, today’s young parents are trying to do the same at the base of Niagara Falls!  Add to everything above the ubiquity of social media experts all claiming that their way is the best way to raise your kids, complete with subtle (or not so subtle) shaming if you don’t do it their way – and it makes the whole parenting process doubly confounding.  

Add to this the growing pressure for both parents to work, exacerbated by the current economic climate that makes it difficult if not outright impossible for even those who wish to be a one income family to succeed, and parents are fighting an uphill battle on an incredibly steep grade.  Whether by choice or by necessity, the average couple is working 40-60 hours a week each, meaning that the raising of their children is largely outsourced to others.  And even the precious few hours of parenting a day that can be done by parents is largely at the end of the day, when they’re already exhausted and overwhelmed.  

All this to say, it’s a really hard time to be a parent.   

Grace for Parents

“Come to Me, all who are weary and heavy-laden, and I will give you rest.” 

Matthew 11:28, NASB1995

And with all of that in mind, I think it’s imperative to first and foremost say that this series is intended to be a place where much grace is extended.  Few words as simply and expansively convey the feeling of parents better than Christ’s simple call to the weary and heavy-laden. Parenting is often exhausting, it feels thankless, and we are so tempted to lay the sum total of our parenting burden upon our own shoulders. But Christ calls to us and offers, as He does with all of our sin, to lay those burdens upon his able back. It’s a good reminder.

So, even though at times hard, convicting and prescriptive things will be shared, I want it to always be set upon the backdrop of the Gospel and the realization that for the Christian, the Lord in His gracious wisdom, has us each on our own bumpy, rutted, climbing road to Glory. There is one perfect parent, and He is God.  We are not.  We will make mistakes – sometimes big ones.  We will look back at our parenting with some regrets.  We may be haunted by a litany of what-if’s.  And no matter how faithful, intentional and God-centered our parenting, it’s not a guarantee that our children will walk with the Lord as adults.  

This approach to parenting should be seen as an approach, not the approach, to parenting.  I believe it is rigorously Scripturally faithful, helpful, wise, and practical.  I believe it is Gospel-centered and God-honoring.  Nevertheless, this is one way among many to look at the Biblical imperative to raise our children in the Lord.  I earnestly commend it to you, but I certainly do not demand it of you.    

My hope for this series is that you would walk away feeling encouraged, refreshed and challenged to live a more purposed, focused and intentional Gospel-centered life as a parent – one that both teaches and displays the surpassing value of knowing Christ Jesus (Philippians 3:8) to your children.  Dear parent, the Lord will not fail you.  He is faithful!

Strategic Vision for Tactical Decisions

Though it’s tempting to only focus on Scriptures that explicitly speak of parenting, there is a very real sense in which all of the Bible relates to this topic.  Indeed, there are passages that offer commands specifically related to parenting, but from cover to cover, the Bible can and should rightly be brought to bear on the question of Christian parenting – which at its core is the question of how we do our part to raise up the next generation to be all that the Bible calls us to be.  And so, as parents, we can profit from the failings and warnings of the Old Testament saints, the heartfelt desires for communion and joy in the Psalms, the call to sacrificial love, costly obedience and glorious reward from Christ, and all the vivid descriptions of faithful Christianity in the New Testament epistles.  All of it can inform our approach to parenting.  In the end, our goal for our children is the same as for ourselves – to be more and more conformed to the image of Christ – and to that end, the Scriptures speak volumes. So, in that vein, let’s consider several passages:    

“7 But whatever things were gain to me, those things I have counted as loss for the sake of Christ. 8 More than that, I count all things to be loss in view of the surpassing value of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whom I have suffered the loss of all things, and count them but rubbish so that I may gain Christ, 9 and may be found in Him, not having a righteousness of my own derived from the Law, but that which is through faith in Christ, the righteousness which comes from God on the basis of faith, 10 that I may know Him and the power of His resurrection and the fellowship of His sufferings, being conformed to His death; 11 in order that I may attain to the resurrection from the dead.

12 Not that I have already obtained it or have already become perfect, but I press on so that I may lay hold of that for which also I was laid hold of by Christ Jesus. 13 Brethren, I do not regard myself as having laid hold of it yet; but one thing I do: forgetting what lies behind and reaching forward to what lies ahead, 14 I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus.” 

Philippians 3:7-14, NASB1995

So what exactly am I getting at with this series?  It’s really a twofold call – first to think intentionally and strategically about what’s most important in the life of your children, and second, to extrapolate that conclusion into tactical, manageable, age-appropriate practices and goals that, as a means of God’s grace, He might be pleased to use to promote their spiritual growth. Though not specifically applied to parenting, we see this principle, above. 

As Paul describes his own journey of faith, he begins with a broad, strategic goal – to gain Christ (v8).  Now, he is quick to make clear that this isn’t ultimately earned by anything he can do, but is a gift of God’s grace through faith (v9).  Nevertheless, Paul lays out practices that help him to pursue Christ with all his might.  We see him choosing to consider all things, both accomplishments and possessions, as lost in the pursuit of Christ (v7f).  Likewise, we see the practice of not looking back, but rather intentionally looking ahead and reaching forward to the day when Christ will return and bring us safely home (v14). 

“Therefore, since we have so great a cloud of witnesses surrounding us, let us also lay aside every encumbrance and the sin which so easily entangles us, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, 2 fixing our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of faith, who for the joy set before Him endured the cross, despising the shame, and has sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. 3 For consider Him who has endured such hostility by sinners against Himself, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart.“

Hebrews 12:1-3, NASB1995

Similarly, consider the charge given by the author of Hebrews. Again, we clearly see a strategic, lifelong goal – pursue Jesus with all your might! And how do we do that? I see at least four tactical practices. We are encouraged by the “great cloud of witnesses” (see Hebrews 11) who have successfully run the race before us. We lay aside every sin that weighs us down – and not just that, but even other good things that are not ultimately helping us run after Jesus. We fix our eyes on Jesus, His work on our behalf, and the joy that propelled Him to glory. And finally, we consider His sufferings, so that when we encounter our own pain and sorrows, it will not prevent us from running the race of faith.

“Train up a child in the way he should go, Even when he is old he will not depart from it.“

Proverbs 22:6, NASB1995

And finally, consider perhaps the most often quoted verse on parenting in all of Scripture.  I would argue that, from an interpretive approach, it’s important to view this verse, not as a promise, but as a truism – as a general principle that those children faithfully raised in the Lord are much less likely to depart from Him in their old age. Chanak, the Hebrew word used here for ‘train’, is most commonly used to refer to the act of dedicating a structure to the Lord.  We see this both in homes (Deuteronomy 20:5) and the Temple (2 Chronicles 7:5). The idea carries with it the sense of permanent setting aside for the sacred purposes of the Lord.  Similarly, when it comes to the dedication of a child, the word also implies training toward the purpose of lifelong dedication.  

Here too, we see the strategic purpose in the dedication of the child to the way of the Lord.  And again, we see the practical, tactical description, brief though it may be, of training – day by day instruction and exhortation that is aimed at accomplishing those purposes.  

For the sake of brevity, I’ll leave off here, but if you would like to consider how this theme appears throughout Scripture, consider Jesus words in Luke 14:28-32, or the purposeful and strategic counsel of Proverbs 6:6-8, 16:3, 21:5, 24:27.  Or, meditate on the broad, unified narrative of Scripture and the clear purposes of God in it – how He has strategically planned the whole arc of human history to bring about His glory in the joy of His creation – and has done so through the meticulous ordination of all things.   

Defining Terms

Consider, also, the modern origin of the terminology, itself.  Both ‘strategic’ and ‘tactical’ are terms of warfare.  They describe two essential, but very different elements of effective battle. Broadly speaking, strategic is the big picture stuff, while tactical is the nitty gritty details that accomplish that big picture goal.  Take for example our country’s arsenal.  We have strategic weapons – largely intercontinental ballistic nuclear missiles – that have (and Lord willing always will) act as a strategic deterrent for our would-be enemies.  These weapons are massively powerful, and can decimate entire cities with the push of a button, and as such make others think twice before escalating hostilities. Tactical weapons, on the other hand, are used quite often and increasingly precisely, to eliminate specific threats in the field of battle – whether that be an enemy’s building, a weapon system, or human targets.  

With all of the above in mind, here’s a couple of definitions for your consideration:

Strategic Parenting – An approach to Biblical parenting that focuses on establishing a clear, Scripturally-informed, Gospel-centered overall vision for the spiritual maturing of our children. By considering both the Scriptures commendations and warnings, parents can build a biblical framework upon which to shepherd their children in the Lord.

Tactical Shepherding – Flowing out of a robust, Scriptural and Gospel-centered strategic framework, tactical shepherding seeks to apply the broad principles and goals of strategic parenting to the day-to-day task of training our children. This approach will evolve as the child grows and matures, but the strategic framework behind those changes largely remains the same.

An Example: Broad Strategy to Tactical Application

“16 But I say, walk by the Spirit, and you will not carry out the desire of the flesh. 17 For the flesh sets its desire against the Spirit, and the Spirit against the flesh; for these are in opposition to one another, so that you may not do the things that you please. 18 But if you are led by the Spirit, you are not under the Law. 19 Now the deeds of the flesh are evident, which are: immorality, impurity, sensuality, 20 idolatry, sorcery, enmities, strife, jealousy, outbursts of anger, disputes, dissensions, factions, 21 envying, drunkenness, carousing, and things like these, of which I forewarn you, just as I have forewarned you, that those who practice such things will not inherit the kingdom of God. 22 But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, 23 gentleness, self-control; against such things there is no law. 24 Now those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the flesh with its passions and desires.” 

Galatians 5:16-24, NASB1995

I know for myself, seeing an example of how something works often unlocks my understanding of the principle. So, let’s give it a go!

1) Consider the Scriptures

It probably goes without saying that, in order to form a Biblical framework for our parenting, we need to be students of the Word.  In the passage above, we see two broad groups of qualities – the natural works of the flesh, and the supernatural fruit of the Spirit.  Let’s note a few things about these contrasting lists.  First, the works of the flesh are natural – they are what every human does by default.  Left to our own devices, we will embody many if not all of these dangerous and destructive traits. We also see that the ultimate embrace of such sin precludes us from inheriting the Kingdom of God – so this is not a trivial matter.  By contrast, we see the fruit of the Spirit – gifts that the Spirit supernaturally produces in the life of the believer.  These are things we want to be true of our kids, but no matter how much we can and should work to develop such character, this passage reminds us that it is God, and not ourselves, who ultimately produces such fruit – and that – flowing from the Gospel of Jesus Christ.  Nevertheless, as we see in verse 16, what is being commended is that we consciously choose to  walk in daily reliance on the Spirit, lest we carry out the desires of the flesh.

2) Build a Strategic Framework

Next, consider how to apply the Biblical principles you have learned into a purposeful framework upon which you will, in the next step, implement practical, tactical practices.  So, for example, on one side of this framework, you could have, “Foster Godly Character”, with references to the passage above, and other passages with similar themes.  A good exercise would even be to keep a list of Godly character you see described in the Scriptures.  Such an exercise helps you to guard against the danger of undefined goals.   You could also have “Discourage Sinful Character” as a goal, again reinforced by the process we described for godly character.  

It is also important to keep these goals Gospel-centered.  The last thing we want to do is forget that it is the Lord, and not our children or ourselves, who ultimately produces the goals we have. We wholly owe not just our salvation, but every ounce of our sanctification to the work of Jesus on the cross – and we can’t remind ourselves of this truth enough! But we must guard ourselves from a sort of “Jesus paid it all so I shouldn’t do anything” mentality, whereby we become so afraid of being legalistic, that we ignore the panoply of plain and clear commands we find in the Scriptures.  We need to recognize that faithful Christian parenting is a means of God’s grace that the Spirit employs to produce what He intends in our children. To pull back from such practices is not gracious, but is more often than not, actually harmful and handicapping to our children’s spiritual growth.

3) Implement Practical Tactical Applications

Once you have a good picture of what the Scriptures call your child to become in the Lord, it’s time to consider how you can encourage and foster those traits at your child’s current stage of development.  Is there a specific character trait that you feel you need to focus on in this stage of your child’s life?  Likewise, what safeguards, boundaries and consequences can you put in place to defend against your child’s natural embrace of the works of the flesh?  Do you see a specific sinful tendency that currently deserves extra attention?  

For this example, let’s say you see a lot of impulsivity in your five year old.  They naturally do what they want to do without a second thought. Hand in hand with their impulsivity, they tend to be quick tempered when things don’t go their way.  Perhaps it’s a good time to put some extra effort into fostering habits that reinforce self control.  What might that look like?  I’d encourage you to begin by rooting your instruction in the Word.  What our kids need to see is that the Bible (and not ultimately Mom and Dad) is their authority, just as much as it is yours.  Even at only five, show them that the Bible commands that we be self-controlled and warns us against being impulsive or quick-tempered. Start building that foundational truth.  Second, I’d encourage you to talk with them about what self-control looks like.  Point to times you or your spouse have modeled that well.  Be honest about times you’ve failed and use it as an opportunity to point them to the Gospel.  Show them how Jesus exercised self control even when it was really, really hard and costly.  Then, I’d suggest setting expectations with clearly communicated and appropriate consequences when those expectations aren’t met.  For example, consider saying something like, “I expect you to be kind to your sister, even when she does something unkind to you.  If you are mean to her, you will receive this consequence.”  And finally, I’d encourage you to be on the lookout, actively, for when your child does well.  Be quick to point out the success, and tell them that you thank the Lord for what you see Him doing in their life.                   

Objection: Little Pharisees

Now, perhaps you’ve gotten to this point, and you’re thinking, hold up.  How is it good for our kids if we make them obey the rules when they are not yet Christians? Isn’t that just encouraging them to become little legalistic, hypocritical Pharisees?  

Indeed, one common objection to such an approach to raising children is that to require godly character before children are Christians is to encourage a sort of works-based righteousness.  I grant that this is a danger we need to be especially careful of with this approach – that is why the Gospel must be front and center in our parenting.  However,  I would argue that the opposite is also true – to not require godly character is to raise up little libertines instead – children who are all the more slaves to their natural desires, and left without tools in their toolkit to fight those tendencies.  Paul in his writings is insistent that the Law is a good thing, and at its best, should be used as our tutor, pointing us to our need for Christ.

Consider these two hypothetical families.  The Jones family is big on grace and skeptical of having too many rules.  Even at a young age, they don’t have a whole lot of boundaries beyond things that keep their kids physically safe.  Mom and Dad lead their kids by example, and try to encourage their kids at least five times as much as they correct them.  If their child wants something, their default answer is yes.  They yearn for their kids to come to faith, but they are reluctant to push them too much, for fear that they might grow to resent Christianity.  By comparison, the Weeks family embraces the sort of parenting approach I’ve described in this article.  They have a clear Biblical framework upon which their parenting is built.  They think strategically about how to foster the good and discourage the bad in their children’s lives, rooted in the Bible, and work hard to apply those principles to the various stages of parenting.  Many would describe their parenting as strict.  There’s a lot of things that the kids’ friends are allowed to do that their kids are not.  But the parents work hard to root even these boundaries in light of the greater reward of the Gospel.    

As the kids from these two families grow up, their paths diverge.  The Jones kids are largely free to do what they want. And that’s what they do – chasing after the things that bring them the most entertainment, joy and satisfaction – and as they become teens, those desires are increasingly met outside the church.  Despite being raised in the church, the children’s desire for it is waning, with all but the oldest falling away in their college years.  Things aren’t all rainbows and sunshine for the Weeks family, however.  There’s some tough times in the teenage years, as the kids acutely experience the cost of having strict parents. It’s so easy to focus on the things that they’re missing out on and their relative lack of freedom.  For one of the kids, this leads to a growing pattern of resentment and frustration.  But the parents recognize this early, and gently seek to explain not just what their expectations are, but why those expectations, rooted in the Word, are good for their child.  And the parents keep at it.  Though there were a few bumpy years, the spiritual toolkit the parents had provided to the children proved to be a means of sustaining grace in their lives – a grace the Lord prospered in the adult lives of the Weeks children.      

Of course, these are purely hypothetical scenarios, but in my experience they are also far too often stereotypical scenarios that, though varied here and there, tend to play out as outlined above.  Are there exceptions?  Absolutely!  There are kids who have had great, faithful, Biblical, strategic, loving parents who have abandoned the faith, and there are kids growing up in grace-only sorts of families that have lived tremendous lives of faith.  Nevertheless, the truism of Proverbs 22:6 rings true – Those who train their children up in the Lord, strategically pointing them in the way they should go, are much more likely to have children that remain faithful to the Lord.  Ultimately, our parenting is always teaching something.  Our example, our instruction, what we prioritize, how we spend our time, what we allow or forbid – all of it is teaching our kids what is valuable and what is not. 

Whatever Our Parenting, It Must Be Gospel-Centered

“But may it never be that I would boast, except in the cross of our Lord Jesus Christ, through which the world has been crucified to me, and I to the world.” 

Galatians 6:14, NASB1995

As we draw this article to a close, I leave you with one supremely important encouragement. Whatever parenting philosophy you adopt, be sure that the statement above echoes through your house on repeat. Above all else, we must be pointing our kids to the supreme value and treasure of Christ. There is one thing above all else we must exult in, and it’s not our parenting style, or the faith of our kids, or anything else, save the cross of our Lord Jesus Christ. It is there and there alone that we find our hope and purpose. It is there and there alone that we find rest for our weary and overwhelmed souls. It is there and there alone that we find a Savior that is mighty to save our kids, no matter how many times we fail them. It is there and there alone that we find our worth, value and meaning – and the same is true for our kids.

Might the Lord be pleased to raise up an army of strategic, faithful, Gospel-saturated parents who equip the next generation for the great work of the ministry, both near and far! To Him be the glory both now and forevermore!